LAW REPORT : DIABLO V BIGOT-JOHNSON AND OTHERS (2016)

Seen as the common enemy the self-proclaimed Prince of Darkness was finally banished from the club by a determined Bigot-Johnson and his God-loving, bible bashing , crusading supporters. Diablo of course didn't take too kindly at being the victim of a well planned and orchestrated witch hunt , complaining bitterly about the way his expulsion was clinically executed. Desperate to get reinstated he decided to pursue his grievance all the way to the High Court. The following extract comes from the trial's transcript , just before the case came to a sudden and abrupt end.

Counsel for the plaintiff  (CP) : Bigot ....did you kick poor old Diablo out of your club on a trumped up charge of making a blasphemous remark at the table ?
B-J : Yes we did.....the man is the devil incarnate......in fact much worse. For years he's been doing wicked and malevolent things ......creating hell on whatever table he happens to be sitting at...
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : Yes....and what's more he gets everyone all fired up and burning with rage
CP :  Is that so ?
B-J : Yes.....he even plays devilish tricks on those he dislikes. The man shows no remorse for any pain he inflicts on his victims. He's the embodiment of a fascist , racist , mean-hearted, rampant , horny sexist ogre
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : If we were to save the club from eternal damnation he had to go . The pit of despair we were in was enormous.
CP : So please tell the court Bigot what the precise details of this blasphemous remark , which became the subject of a complaint ?
B-J : He said " Jesus Bloody Christ .....I've just allowed my opponent to lock me in dummy ! "
CP : Is that it ?
B-J : Ah.....one mustn't overlook his unholy body language. He gave this opponent the evil eye
CP : But wasn't that because his opponent had previously commented on my client's " goatie-looking " appearance
B-J : Well who wouldn't given that Diablo always turns up to the club in cloven feet and a tail between his legs
CP : Sorry.....but your club policy forbids discrimination against members who are born with physical disabilities or abnormalities
B-J : Oh I forgot about that...
CP : And this so called evil eye was nothing more than a red eye from constant crying over his partner's inept bidding and play
B-J : Oh I never realised that....
CP : And Christ of course died a bloody and brutal death on the cross
B-J : Too true
CP : So my client's remark was more a statement of fact than a blasphemous remark
B-J : I guess so.....
CP : Therefore the disciplinary charge against him had no substance or merit whatsoever , making his expulsion both wrongful and invalid
B-J : Not so....his banishment was based on all his past sins which according to our dossier go as far back as tempting our membership secretary , Eve Adams , with a juicy apple in order to gain entry into our club 
CP : And how big is this dossier ?
B-J : Exactly 666 pages... each one around 300 words  
CP : How long it take to compile and write up ?
B-J : It took our secretary May Dittup the best part of a year to research Diablo's past and embroider the facts
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : Yes....its contents were so shocking ,  we advised anyone who wanted to read the dossier to do so one paragraph at a time in the presence of a psychiatrist or doctor
CP : A long read indeed....
B-J : So naturally the committee viewed this blasphemous remark at the last straw ....or the one which broke the camel's back
CP : Had he been warned he was on final notice ?
B-J : No.....
CP : Had he been informed as to the likely consequences of this alleged wrongdoing ?
B-J : No.....
CP :  Was he invited to hear the case against him and to present a defence
B-J : No......because there was no point.....our minds had already been made up long before and the dossier completely justified our actions
CP : Well , that kind of hearing smacks of kangaroo court justice... so loved and revered by committee members of small social clubs , who believe that they can ignore the law with impunity
B-J : Needs must when the devil drives
CP : Ah....but this devil is not so black as he is painted
B-J : This committee would stubbornly refuse to accept that view
CP : You see poor old Diablo is simply a devil-may-care character who rides on a fiddlestick. Your case against him is , in Shakespeare's words, " much ado about nothing "
Judge : I agree....and for both parties who have brought this ridiculously frivolous case to court the costs are going to be the devil to pay