Saturday 30 January 2016

NEW RULES FOR THE MEMBERS OF THE BENIGN BC
(USA)......ALL IN THE SPIRIT OF ZERO TOLERANCE !

1. In order for this club to grow and prosper financially , members must attend duplicates on a regular basis , which means of course cutting back on holidays.  Members' holidays therefore are considered to be completely unnecessary. All members should realise that there is nothing better than bridge, and that they are damn lucky to belong to a club as good as this. Should any member cancel a duplicate to go on holiday , this will be considered by the Committee as being disloyal. Consequently , the Committee will assume that the member must be unhappy with his/her duplicate experience , and will cease to be considered as a valuable revenue source to the club. Dismissal will of course have to be seriously considered by the Committee. 

2. The Committee will consider it a sign of weakness and bad practice should a member cancel a duplicate on the grounds of sickness. It is the duty of every member to attend weekly duplicates irrespective of their state of health. No one wants to see small fields where results are disturbingly skewed. Moreover , a visit to the doctor by a member is considered totally unnecessary as sitting seats will be provided for those unable to stand or walk. The Committee believes that if members can make it to their doctors or local hospitals , then they are certainly well enough to attend the club.

3. If a member's relative or friend has died then that excuse will not wash with the Committee. Unfortunate as this may be , there is obviously nothing much which can be done for the deceased other than let others dispose of the body. Therefore , The Committee will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not attending a duplicate evening. The joy of bridge should never be jeopardised by the misery of trauma and grief. Funerals , if members insist on attending them , will need to be arranged for mornings only in order to make sure they can get to the club on time before the duplicate session starts.

4. Should a member's death occur prior to the start of the duplicate , the member should have both the decency and foresight to arrange a replacement for him/herself to avoid any risk of inflicting this inconvenience on the club. In such circumstances the Committee have the right to take disciplinary action , and impose a life ban posthumously.

Thursday 28 January 2016

KEY QUESTIONS ALL CLUB MEMBERS SHOULD ASK WHEN A NEW CHAIRMAN APPEARS ON THE SCENE ( HAVING HAD HIS/HER ARM TWISTED TO TAKE UP THE POST ).........An article by Carp inspired by the shenanigans going on in Unit 373 


1. Who is in whose pocket ?
2. Which way will he/she lean ?
3. What alliances have already been formed .....and with whom ?
4. What promises had to be kept by the chairman......and to whom ? 
5. What agenda will the new Chairman bring to the committee table ?
6. What checks and safeguards , if any , are present to stop any abuse of power ?
7. Whose voice(s) will he/she be listening to when wielding his/her new broom ?
8. How far will the chairman operate behind closed doors in defiance of the need for openness
    and transparency ?  
  


Tuesday 26 January 2016

BIGOT EXPOSES HIS BRAZEN DISREGARD FOR OTHERS WITH A SHOCKING REVELATION..........

























( Because neither does he....... )

Monday 25 January 2016

KEY PARTS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC'S UNWRITTEN CONSTITUTION

1. The Chairman knows what's best for the club
2.  The Chairman always has the last say on what the written rules of the Constitution  mean
3.  The chairman can change any of these rules he/she believes is in need of alteration, 
      modification or deletion , at  any time without having to give the membership any prior 
      notification whatsoever
4.   Ordinary members are forbidden from obtaining any knowledge of these unwritten rules 
      and/or any real understanding of the written rules
5.   If the Chairman suspects that ordinary members have obtained forbidden knowledge or
      understanding of important and highly sensitive rules , he/she has the power to gag these 
      members or to permanently exclude them from the club 
6.  The Chairman is never wrong
7.  If the Chairman is ever proved to be wrong in his/her interpretation of the rules , it is due to
     an unfortunate misunderstanding , which happens to be the direct result of something said
     or done by irresponsible ordinary members 
8.  If the above applies , then these errant and wayward members must apologise immediately
     for causing this misunderstanding , along with a pledge to do penance
9.  An apology without a grovelling and beseeching request to receive harsh and brutal 
     punishment cannot be accepted as genuine
10. The Chairman is entitled to change his/her mind at any time on any issue , statement of
      intent or promise
11. Ordinary members are forbidden to hold any contrary opinions or views to those held by
     the Chairman , but should they share the same views they are certainly not allowed to 
     change them
12. Ordinary members may not in any circumstances point out that their chairman has ( a )
      changed his/her mind , or worst still (b) got no mind at all  
13. The Chairman has every right to be angry , upset and irrational at any time or all the time
14. Ordinary members must remain calm at all times , and be fully prepared to bite their own
       tongues and suffer in silence
15. The Chairman is allowed to be ready when he/she is ready
16. Ordinary members must be ready at all times and jump to attention the moment the
      Chairman issues a command
17. Committee members have no other duty but to support and back The Chairman
18. Committee members must pledge their allegiance and undying loyalty to the Chairman
19. No one must ever doubt the integrity, ability and dedication of their true and only leader
20. The office of the Chairman is a permanent position

Sunday 24 January 2016

A VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY.......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Although feeling remarkably fit an extremely active 70 year old bridge player decided it would be a good idea to see his doctor for a full medical check-up. When the check had been completed the doctor said "  My God man.... you really are in great shape. I can't find anything wrong with you. You'll probably be playing bridge till you're a hundred. So tell me ....how old was your father when he died ? "
" Did I say he was dead ? " came the reply.
So the doctor then asked , " How old is your father , is he still active ? "
" He's 93....he jogs daily to keep fit..... and plays bridge at least 4 or 5 times a week to keep his mind active "
" Well ....that's amazing....so how old was your grandfather when he died ?
" Did I say he was dead ? "
" Good grief....you mean to tell me that you are 70 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive ? And is your grandfather still active ? 
" Yes....and all 3 of us are lifelong members of the same bridge club . In fact my 116 year old grandfather .......who has been a widower four times ....... is now marrying his very young and attractive female partner  "
" Unbelievable.....but why on earth would he want to get married again... at his age ?
" Did I say he wanted to ? "   

Thursday 21 January 2016

CONFUSED ABOUT A BID ? WELL THERE'S NO NEED TO BE IF YOU ADOPT THE PRACTICES OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC'S EXPERT PAIR

Let's face it we mortals are all victims of a bidding system where one bid can only mean one thing , when in an ideal world you would really like it to mean another.
Take for instance a typical auction where you and your partner quickly establish possession of a long solid minor suit , but with an eye on the superior 3NT contract. So when your partner introduces a heart bid for the first time at the 3 level , what message does it carry ?
Clearly , the answer depends on the initial bidding so far , what's stated on your system card , and what's your agreed bidding style. Therefore a 3H bid could mean any one of the following :
1. A four card heart suit
2. A small singleton
3. A cue bid
4. A good heart stop 
5. I have half a heart stop  
6. I have a really weak heart stop 
So how do our resident experts manage to enjoy all 6 options , and communicate to partner which one applies to their 3H bid ? The answer is simple. It depends on the extent of their pausing , and the deep anguished pain that goes into their thinking process. And this is how it works so beautifully to their advantage.
1. Immediate confident bid = a genuine heart suit
2. Short pause , confident bid = a singleton
3. Short pause , but a more carefully considered bid = a cue bid ( possible slam interest )
4. Long pause , confident bid = a good heart stop , so bid 3NT partner if holding Qx in the suit
5. Long pause slightly pained thinking =  Qx of hearts , so relay 3S partner with a good heart 
                                                                      stop enabling the 3NT bid to come from this side 
                                                                      of the table
6. An even longer pause , real agonised thinking = a weak heart stop here J10 or Jxx , so can 
                                                                      you help partner ( bid 3S with Qx or 3NT with Qxx )

So yes.....bridge is an easy game if you put the right elements into your bidding style , along with of course the absence of a moral conscience.

Wednesday 20 January 2016

YET ANOTHER LIMERICK.........

There was a lovely sweet man from Rhyl
You thought bridge might offer a thrill
But with slow players at fault
Play often ground to a halt
So he became psychotic and ready to kill

Tuesday 19 January 2016

YET ANOTHER CATCHY LIMERICK FROM THE MIGHTY PEN OF DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER......

There was an old lady from Gratton
Who always played bridge with her hat on
She never stopped bragging
She never stopped nagging
So partner clubbed her to death with his baton

Saturday 16 January 2016

BIGOT FACES UP TO THE JUDGE WITH SOME DIFFICULT EXPLAINING TO DO.......

Judge : Why in God's name didn't you offer Pantopod an agreed sum of damages in return for him dropping the law suit for his reinstatement as a member ? 
B-J : WHAT !! Paying that toerag money would be an outrage and unforgivable sin. For years he has been the scourge of our club upsetting members left , right and center. How can courts condone the actions criminals and villains ?..... They should set about hanging them. Paying that man any sum of damages would be an act of pure INSANITY ....
Judge : Yes.....but forking out £70,000.... and planning to shell out much more.......on outrageously expensive legal costs......now that's what I call insanity
B-J : Yes....but there are certain principles at stake here which must be honoured at all costs
Judge : Like what ?
B-J : Like....not allowing the committee to be blackmailed by the threat of a law suit....like not caving in to his demands to resolve this dispute through mediation for that would be tantamount to a complete capitulation on our part.....and like standing up for what we believe was a right and just decision to expel this obnoxious Pantopod
Judge : Can you not see that these principles are nothing more than abstract ideals which fly in the face of common sense. The club happens to be a concrete reality and its members are living , breathing human beings. Some morally sound principles have to be sacrificed for the better good , which in your case is the financial survival of your club and its future existence. This fundamental and overriding concept of utilitarianism requires you to incur a short term loss or sacrifice .....to secure a much greater long term benefit. This means therefore... you have made two calamitous errors of judgement.....one in refusing mediation at the outset.... and the other , when ordered to go to mediation , by turning up....... brandishing non-negotiable pre-conditions
B-J : Hold on your honour.......you must remember......we are the ones being sued 
Judge : Did it not occur to you that there were good well-founded reasons for the plaintiff wanting to seek justice ?
B-J : Pantopod was a sinner........expulsion was the punishment he rightfully deserved
Judge : But not as a consequence of the shameful manner and way you went about the disciplinary process......rules of natural justice cannot be flouted no matter who is in the frame .....and no matter what kind the misconduct he has been accused of.....
B-J : Oh dear....is that really what the law says
Judge : I'm afraid it is....and ignorance of the law is no excuse
B-J : Bugger....bugger....bugger

Tuesday 12 January 2016

BIGOT LETS GO ANOTHER LITTLE SECRET.........



Monday 11 January 2016

THE NORTHERN PRO COMES CLEAN......



Friday 8 January 2016

NEWSFLASH : APPALLING INJUSTICE INQUIRY FINDS INJUSTICE  " APPALLING " 

An internal sub-committee inquiry into the shocking injustice of a club member being expelled for moving a bridgemate across the table in an inappropriate way decided a drastic overhaul of the club's disciplinary procedures was called for. Their remit was not to correct the appalling injustice but to hopefully ensure that cruel and heartless injustices like this will never happen again. The sub-committee chairman , Lloyd Whyowhy , said of this shocking tragedy " no way can we have a repeat of this ,  if the club is to avoid costly and crippling law suits ".
Indeed , the inquiry recommended that the following :
1. Disciplinary hearings must allow the accused member to be present in order to defend
    him/her self against all listed charges , details of which adequate notice must be given
2. Internal appeals against any alleged wrongful expulsions must be heard by members who 
    are capable of scrutinising the questionable disciplinary procedures with clinical objectivity   
3. Any perceived injustices which can be labelled as " appalling " must be reported back to 
    the committee as " calamities like this must never occur again .....at least for a while ".
4. The report may also include requests for something to be done or at least for something
    which has the appearance of being done 
5. Table money should be increased by a £1 so as to put aside money to build up slush
     funds to finance legal costs
The inquiry team must draw attention to the fact that their primary duty is act in the best interests of supporting the committee , and never to demand or even suggest any change to their decisions. Their role is merely to identify and label appalling injustices purely as a matter of historical record.  

Tuesday 5 January 2016

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC CREATE EVEN MORE AWARDS FOR MEMBERS INCAPABLE OF WINNING COMPETITION TROPHIES...........

Yes , Bigot-Johnson yet again has come up with exciting new awards to ensure that even more members are included in the prize giving extravaganza which immediately follows the AGM meeting :

Green Eye Award.......for the player whose envy of partner's superior skills is all too apparent
Eagle Eye Award.......for the player who spots and picks up even the smallest nuances of the
                                     opponents' behaviour to extract crucial information about their hands
Black Eye Award.......for the unfortunate member who after being on the receiving end of his 
                                partner's wrath picked up the biggest shiner
Eye On The Ball Award.......for the most thorough and resourceful member who never misses 
                                         out on what shenanigans the committee are up to 
Eye Sore Award.........for the  member whose appearance and dress sense enters the realms
                                 of disgust , vulgarity and utmost bad taste
Half An Eye Award.....for the kind of cheat who while playing one hand is casting a look at what
                                  cards are in play on the adjoining table
Turn A Blind Eye Award.......for the member who by pretending not to notice or comment upon
                                           the blatant misdeameanors of others is equally at fault
Evil Eye Award...........for the player most able to make his inept partner fear for his life with just 
                                a single glance
                                     
                                   
                                      
    

Sunday 3 January 2016

BIGOT-JOHNSON, CHAIRMAN OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC , DENIES IN COURT ACCUSATIONS OF LYING.........

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : I put it to you Bigot-Johnson that you are a liar 
B-J : Are you suggesting that I am guilty of telling porkies , pooling the wool over the members' eyes , pulling fast ones ,  never being on the level ,  speaking with a forked tongue , engaging in sharp practices , creating smoke screens , spinning yarns , taking members for a ride , and talking a complete load of bollocks.......?
CP : Yes.....all of those things ......and more
B-J : Let me assure you.... and this court..... I am a man who never tells a lie
CP : Oh....so please explain then why all your written submissions contain dozens of falsehoods and gross misrepresentations of fact .......which are so far from truth as to beggar belief. You have repeatedly substituted true facts with pure fiction
B-J : I resent that accusation?....
CP : So please tell the court how do you account for the shameful discrepancies which I have unearthed during this trial ?
B-J : Listen smart arse....these documents I submitted contained no lies to my knowledge......
although I must admit....on occasions .... I was just a bit economical with the truth
CP : That Bigot is a gross understatement
B-J : Surely one is allowed to stretch the truth a bit in a bold and desperate effort to get across a point more effectively ?
CP : If only that was case....
B-J : And surely there's no harm in hedging an issue if it's not the right time to come clean. And yes.....maybe I am guilty of prevaricating a little .....
CP : Bigot.....you have no shame......you lie through your back teeth
B-J : No sir....I do not....although I must admit to some dissembling and dissimulation of the facts.....not to mention dabbling with alternative truths......but as for lying ....absolutely not
CP : Man up for once in your life , Bigot..... and admit your guilt
B-J : Well ....I am prepared to confess to making innocent and inadvertent mistakes....and getting hold of the wrong end of the stick.....perhaps based on basic assumptions to begin with being inadequate......but I have always tried to be technically accurate
CP : You can say what you like about your failings and shortcomings.... but lies are lies
B-J : Indeed there are....however .....it is my contention that the pursuit of truth is chimerical. Therefore,  my guilt can only be that of pursuing the most convenient arrangement of facts which I consider to be pertinent and relevant to my ideas  
CP : Bigot.....you are beyond redemption





Friday 1 January 2016

BIGOT EXPLAINS WHY A VOTE FOR HIM MAKES GOOD SENSE.......