Wednesday 29 May 2013

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE TACTLESS TOSSER SYNDROME ( formerly known as the Chronic Faux Pas Syndrome )

TTS is a common mental disorder that is generally present in those full-of-bullshit, up-their-own-arses, lord-of-the-manor bridge players. Sufferers seem unable to tell the difference between socially acceptable comments and darn right verbal abuse.
As the condition worsens they are no longer able to comprehend what is appropriate to say and do , when dealing with partners, opponents, TDs and other club members. Symptoms include being inconsiderate and generally as " shitty " to friends and foe alike , the common offensive use of racial epithets , and a tendency to interfere uninvited in other people's business just for the laughs. The most commonly used interjection is " You ought not to have done that...." when nosing in on bridge hand discussions. Their odious and obnoxious behaviour inevitably leads to a rapid turnover of partners, and a general alienation of all contacts within the club.
TTS has been known to be cured by extreme measures. For example, a few months ago at Stourbridge BC a chronic sufferer called a visiting black player  " a nigger ", completely unaware of his heavyweight professional boxing credentials ! Similarly, another hard lesson was learnt at Perth BC,  when a syndrome victim foolishly called a psychopathic gay bridge player " a fag ". The resulting ass-beatings did manage to shock the victims back into recognition of their blundering faux pas. 
However, if the condition has remained untreated for long enough, then any attempt to cure the patient may prove ineffective, and only encourage him/her to make even more horrendous and offensive comments. Many club committees which failed to act  discovered that falling membership resulted in the only ones staying on being those who were either deaf or hard of hearing. However, by allowing the easily offended, highly sensitive members to disappear is clearly not a desirable solution , when most committees have the power to ban TTS sufferers instead. 
In instances where more robust committees have taken disciplinary measures to impose life-long bans, the afflicted sufferers have all successfully relied on the defence of free speech, claiming  " that the days of Stalinism are confined to the past. " 
However, in one club the chairman, Howard Bigot-Johnson,  solved the problem overnight. The TTS victim was taken down into the cellars of the Slaughter House, whereupon his tongue was cut out and his vocal chords severed.          

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