UGLY RUMOURS DEPT : EBU INITIATIVE WORRIES BIGOT-JOHNSON As a result of the drug-taking scandal that occurred during the 2006 World Bridge Championship ( when a top USA player was stripped of her medal for refusing to take a drug test ), the EBU has finally decided to take clean up the game here in the UK. At present the EBU officials are seriously considering the idea of making it compulsory for all affiliated clubs to carry out random drug tests on its leading players. Any traces of performance enhancing drugs, in the samples tested at the EBU labs, will result in those players being banned from the game. Refusing to submit samples will be regarded as prima facie evidence of guilt. The call has been made to place strict limits on top players who use drugs clearly designed to keep them from:

• (a) falling asleep
• (b) becoming depressed
• (c) getting anxious and agitated ( this is of particular concern to Bigot )
• (d) losing focus, or having lapses in concentration
• (e) falling victim to memory loss
• (f) suppressing unnecessary, possibly self-destructive, emotions

Gossip around the clubs clearly indicates that many players are very worried about this initiative, and have called upon Bigot-Johnson ( a-hero-in-a-crisis) to speed up his act and form an opposition group. Ready to weed out and smack any dope who is prepared to back the EBU over this proposed move, Bigot is well and truly on the warpath. However, having just heard that the ACBL has made a hash at introducing a drug-testing programme at grass-roots level, Bigot's joy and ecstasy over this news had to be seen... to be believed. Not surprisingly, he threw an instant party and asked everyone he knew to bring along some coke.