FANTASY BRIDGE ( No.3 ).........................................( By Pun )

• The rubber match of the century had arrived. This final confrontation was to set the bridge world alight. The stakes were high: £100,000 hand-over to the winners. Oscar Wilde had indeed pulled in a ringer.......an inspired choice, a man of towering strength, all-round vision, and immense stature.....Quasimodo. These two were to take on the notorious Burke and Hare, whose ability to land contracts was second to none.
• The format was simple. Twenty rubbers would be played and the winners would be the pair with the highest aggregate total. After nineteen rubbers the match could not have been any closer. Burke and Hare were ahead by 1000 points, and in the last rubber it was now game all. On the next deal, Burke and Hare slowly unfolded their cards. Burke, who loved his spades, was extremely disappointed with his hand. He sensed the situation was grave. Seven spades to the queen, and three hearts to the queen, were his only two honours in a 7-3-1-2 distribution. Hare on the other hand was staring down a massive minor two-suiter, having a 0-1-7-5 distribution. Hare, sitting East, was dealer and no way on earth was he going to pass on this. The void spade and stiff heart certainly suggested his opponents might have at least one big fit in the majors. So he opened 4 diamonds. Pass. Pass. Four hearts from Oscar sitting North. Five clubs from Hare.....6 hearts from Quasimodo sitting South. The auction was over, and if Oscar could pull this contract off, the money was theirs. It seemed he was relishing the prospect of coming good from behind.
• The diamond king was led and Oscar surveyed dummy: KJxx....AJ8......Axxx.....xx .........opposite his very meaty and impressive 14 count: Ax......K109xxx.........x.......AKxx . Yet again Oscar was put in a position of having to find the queen, but Burke's two bids had opened the rear door in effect.....to let him in...... to read the position and make the contract.
• Quasimido was sweating badly, so he stood up to ask where he could go to get a cup of tea. " Take the back passage..... suggested Oscar, as he bent down to pick pick up his pencil. Burke screamed out : " And while you're at it get me one ! " The words were still ringing in his ears, when Burke piped up again : " A drink sounds quite appealing ". Quasimido felt obliged to ask: " One lump or two ? " The first reply was a rather cutting: " A big one just like you have ! " The second remark was sharper still: " And don't forget to come straight back ! "
• On his return, Oscar was still there, waiting to play a card from dummy on Hare's opening King of diamonds lead. Quasimido had a hunch that this contract was not a certainty. Oscar for most of this match had been on the ropes like him, although he managed at least to avoid making any big clangers. He knew that if Oscar failed to make 6 hearts, he would get a right hump on.......but he need not have worried. Oscar took the diamond in dummy, and proceeded to play the jack of hearts towards his hand. Burke very sensibly did not cover. The Jack held. Next came a low club over to Oscar's King, followed by the Ace of Clubs. Quasimodo thought that play by Oscar was a little queer....if not batty...but the clubs thankfully broke 5-2. Declarer then played a low club from hand which he ruffed in dummy with the Ace of hearts! Then came the marked heart finesse. So after picking up the queen at last, Oscar ran off five more tricks ( 3 hearts and 2 spades ) conceding just one trick at the end. What a match.....what an outcome.